true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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