i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
how does that bad decision feel?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
