Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
