So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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