I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
