Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
