quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
