the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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