so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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