Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
