Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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