Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize