garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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