We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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