there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
