apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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