Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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