apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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