So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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