Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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