I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
