Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
