I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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