I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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