I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
