just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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