I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
