Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
