Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
