I accidentally had phone sex last night
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
