I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
