Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
