he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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