Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
