I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
