Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
