i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
