It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
