So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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