No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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