Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mondays should just be called national damage control day
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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