In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
