I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
