Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
