Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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