We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
