I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize