everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
