I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
