I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
