I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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