I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
