Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
