I queefed so loud it echoed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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