Your face is a jimmy john
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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