I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
