i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
