I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
