I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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