bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
