I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
