My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
