Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
