your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
