I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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