finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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