Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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