I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
