In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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