Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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