You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
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