The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize