This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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