I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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