is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize