I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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