Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Let's paint friendship bongs
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
