3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
