i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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