If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
