I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
