She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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