Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
